twenty-three

Nothing is working these days... Life's a struggle that repeats every twenty-four hours. I know that I have to move forward... look forward.

This year marks twenty-three years of being cancer free. In the past I have always given myself a little high-five for still being here. This year, I don't feel as though I have survived.

I'm not producing any photographs that make me happy, although I sold three prints last month.

I am reminded of something a friend once wrote:

"Being aimless is looking at a flower and seeing a flower. Aimless would be never confronting fear or seeking an understanding of its cause and being held captive by it. Aimless is living on one’s knees. Aimless is being someone else and never knowing it.

 And as often as necessary, breathe"

breathing

In the book I am reading, there was a mention of a line from "Moby Dick" which began with the phrase "At last the anchor was up...". It occurred to me that is how I am feeling these days. Grieving is a bit like being held motionless, while the rest of the world sails onward.

But lately, it seems like I have begun to make progress in moving forward. The small steps have me taking deeper breaths... feeling as though the anchor's hold is weakening.