Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts

who's gonna break my fall?



Who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today


~ "Again Today", Brandi Carlile

do not forward



Please do not forward those emails that promise that my wish will come true
if only I will forward the email on to 10 of my closest friends, including you. 

Ten million emails will not make my wish come true.

an interesting sky

an interesting sky

I have always thought of myself as well-informed and able to figure most things out. But I never claimed to know anything about cars except how to get in, turn the key and go. Today, I sat in the car, trying to find out how something worked, reading the owner's manual... and feeling completely overwhelmed. There was no one to ask. There are people I can call in an emergency... but no longer do I have the luxury
of a "Hey hon, how does this work?"

the girl

the girl

the girl...

didn't become what she thought she would

didn't go where she imagined she would

didn't love who she dreamed was her knight

she became a woman who faced and conquered many challenges

she went places she never dreamed she would see

she loved, and was loved by, a true prince.

night & day


I am tired. Tired of trying to be positive. Tired of pretending that one of these days, it will be alright. Tired of dotting the i's and crossing the t's, because you are not allowed to mourn and grieve without the proper paperwork being notarized,  filed and delivered along with copies of every certificate a person is issued in this life. I am tired. I don't think I have the strength to push forward, without a promise. I need a promise... that someday the bad dreams will only own the night... that someday I will know for sure that he is in a better place... that someday the knowledge that I will never hear his voice again will not break my heart.

measuring


We tend to measure things.... How far is it? How long has it been? How long until? How many more? ...so that we can assign numbers to things in order to track our progress (or lack of).  

This is the 5th Monday.

along for the ride


I am certainly not behind the wheel these days.  The turns and shifts are being controlled by... who or what I'm not sure. Eventually, the decision-making will come back to me and I will slide across the long seat, release the clutch and point this thing in the direction I choose.

a good rainy day



Although I still feel as though I am living someone else's life, and will switch back to my own at any any moment, today has been a "not bad" day.  That is all I can ask for now.

I do hereby resolve...


not to make any promises. 
 
I would like to write more, photograph more, travel more.... and if I succeed at any or all of those things, well then, hoorah for me! But the current reality is that every minute, every second is as fragile as the cobwebs hanging from my windows. The slightest breeze, the tiniest misstep and I become inconsolable. And so, I take shallow breaths... I make no sudden moves.... I plan no further ahead than a few hours, because to do otherwise is too overwhelming.

hanging on, letting go


I am having mixed emotions about saying goodbye to 2008. It was, at its end, a horribly sad year... and yet the final, precious memories reside within its days and months. 

fading



We know nothing of this going away, that
shares nothing with us. We have no reason,
whether astonishment and love or hate,
to display Death, whom a fantastic mask

of tragic lament astonishingly disfigures.
Now the world is still full of roles which we play
as long as we make sure, that, like it or not,
Death plays, too, although he does not please us.

But when you left, a strip of reality broke
upon the stage through the very opening
through which you vanished: Green, true green,
true sunshine, true forest.

We continue our play. Picking up gestures
now and then, and anxiously reciting
that which was difficult to learn; but your far away,
removed out of our performance existence,

sometimes overcomes us, as an awareness
descending upon us of this very reality,
so that for a while we play Life
rapturously, not thinking of any applause.


Death Experience, Rainer Maria Rilke

my heart


my heart
is filled
with you

facing the enemy


Tomorrow, the medical tests... after which "we will know what we're dealing with".

I detest medical clichés...

And so these are the last few days of not knowing... for sure, which thing is to be fought.

Or if the enemy has already won the war.

have I?

Have I already done a "what was I thinking" post?
Probably.
Here it is again - "what was I thinking???"

anyway

Say-Rah, this is for you! Sue me!


the homecoming


We arrived in the Florida panhandle just as the last rain bands of hurricane Gustav passed through. For the rest of the week, we couldn't have wished for better weather.
It's interesting to be in a typical summer vacation spot after the season... after school has started and most beachgoers have long gone. No crowds - the beach was ours to roam, with just a few locals on their daily walk/run/bike ride.
It was good.

on the move

hitting the road... getting out of town....


heading to the Gulf... just out of Gustav's reach (hopefully!)

odd one out


some days


I should just stay in bed. Or at least not check messages.... or at least not have high expectations...

spring break


coming soon
to a beach near you.
to celebrate...
to take a break...
from the daily grind
from the clichés.

written


make a statement,
make your point, Mona.