Time

I tried for two days to write about time. All of the clichés came to mind. It doesn't heal all wounds and it never stands still. You can't hate it or love it - it just is.

"Clocks slay time... time is dead as long as it is being clicked off by little wheels; only when the clock stops does time come to life."

William Faulkner

Rituals

I don't have any. I don't like repetition and maybe that's why. Other than paying bills on certain dates, I don't have any daily rituals. This suddenly seems a bit odd to me. If I ever have to take medication on a daily basis... well, that's going to be a challenge.

I don't have a 9-5 job and if I did, I'm sure my days would be more regimented. I don't wake up or go to sleep at specific times. I eat when I get hungry and I pray when I feel sad or overwhelmed.

Crikey! This revelation is making me feel like such an slacker! Well, of course, I do things, go places and generally accomplish tasks, I just do them... whenever. 

I think (maybe) I should introduce ONE thing into my days that MUST be done at a certain time. Or... should I make it weekly? Daily seems like such a chore. Hehehe....

Right now, today...

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." - Buddha

I should write this on my hand and read it every morning. I've been spending too much time dwelling on the past. It's difficult not to swing the gun around and aim for the future. Make plans... that's what I tell myself. But to concentrate on the present moment, that is not so easy. I am impatient. The here-and-now is not happy. Instead, it is merely going through the motions and marking another day off the calendar.

So... how do I make this day, this present moment, what I want it to be? Okay, first the question "What do I want on this day?" There's a saying, "If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there."

I don't know. As soon as I figure this out, I'll get back to you.

night & day

I am tired. Tired of trying to be positive. Tired of pretending that one of these days, it will be alright. Tired of dotting the i's and crossing the t's, because you are not allowed to mourn and grieve without the proper paperwork being notarized,  filed and delivered along with copies of every certificate a person is issued in this life. I am tired. I don't think I have the strength to push forward, without a promise. I need a promise... that someday the bad dreams will only own the night... that someday I will know for sure that he is in a better place... that someday the knowledge that I will never hear his voice again will not break my heart.